It’s my anniversary today. Seven years from the day my (and Theo’s) life changed. I’m heavily considering changing my beliefs… did I break a mirror?
I’m not superstitious, but if it means owning up to breaking a mirror I’d be more than happy to change my views. So long as at 11am today, this Pudendal Neuralgia (PN) issue goes away and my original, very well, non aching body, returns to my hardly affected exterior.
‘But hang on Soula, keep writing, unfold and expand those squally thoughts’, thoughts that flow from positive and grateful, into negative and hopeless, and end up reality checks that tell me, ‘well, you’re making progress‘. This is a mantra in my mind daily and I have to keep reminding myself that the mantra once was simply, ‘you’re getting worse‘.
I’d do anything to be able to replace my last seven years, or at least be able to go back to the injury when that ball burst, and have another go at repairing knowing what I know now. Would it be different? I definitely think so.
But life doesn’t give you that opportunity, so I’ll steer my thoughts focusing on what I’ve got to really believe in, the tangible that’s in front of me.
- I have great love in my life and will share my day with Theo, we can head up the road for a drink and perhaps he’ll make his famous roast chook tonight,
- Shout myself a small gift, a new journal perhaps, that is often how I mark my occasions. I use them to pace up my weight lifting, the last one I bought is 1.5 kilos,
- I have my creativity with which I can express myself, perhaps I’ll draw
- crystal balls,
- cards of sevens (spades, diamonds, hearts and clubs),
- Ms Soula who still blows me away, or…
- a cowardly Lion that never faces the steep job of fronting his fears and finding his courage, thus ignoring the huge difference he can make for others.
I don’t have to believe in spooks to know what to do at 11am today when nothing changes. I just need to look around and see I’m conquering something bigger than a wicked witch, something that could have buried me if I’d not faced my fears.
I’ll choose not to believe in spooks but keep battling for the Wicked Witch’s broom. And one day, soon I hope, I’ll realise it’s not superstition that’s needed to battle PN. I’ll realise that what I needed, I had, and what it took from the start to beat PN, was always in me ‘I just had to find it out for myself‘.(Scene from The Wizard of Oz, in the Wicked Witch’s forest)